Little Monster

Hey there, little guy.
Whatya got in those ten ton jaws?

Hold on, friend
Give me a sec
I'm speaking to the monster inside your chest.
You see there is a hairy green creature
with craggy, peaky fangs
I can see him there inside your ribs
From your heart his claws do hang.

He says that I can't have you now
The evil little bear
He says I'll have to leave you be
Says he owns you fair and square

But you and me, little monster,
we're gonna have a chat
Sit down and listen, you piece of shit,
I'll tell you where we're at.
I want my friend to hear me
Want them to breath again
But as long as you reside inside
My friend is broke and bent.

I get it, you're hungry and you feed on fear and pain
But, you see, I'm impatient and must insist to have my friend back again.

You know what, I understand, it's hard to rip you out
So instead, let's build a little room, four little walls to be your living tomb.
Don't worry, we won't forget you're around
We'll send a card at Christmas and toast you on New Year's Eve
We'll check on you from time to time to see that all is sound.

But let me say this loud and clear
so you don't miss a word.
Though you might have residence in my dear friend's heaving chest
I will always be out here watching you
and minding what is best.

You can't have my friend all the time
Not even every other week
Because my friend is too strong, too brilliant, too important and just too goddamn neat.

So hang out in your little room and wreak your havoc there
Out here my friend and I will be living and laughing
Try and stop us if you dare.

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Counting sheep

Thoughts like black tar seep through the cracks in my eyelids

Slide down my burning cheeks

The skin peels back and I am bare and burning.

In the light...

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Count my blessings

Then at night

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Number the ways I can torture myself

These dark thoughts too embarrassing to share

Must keep up the exterior

I’m so smart.

Damn you, I’m so damn smart.

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My brain churns and seeks the open nightmares in the void

A void that is never ending as long as I never let it end.

So easy to slip in the sticky slime

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Count the steps endured in the sludge

Look up at the pinprick of light

An oncoming rush of sickly weighted fire.

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Emptiness – the refuge in the blackness.

Until the weight lifts and the tar loses its hold...?

I have not the strength to lift even a little finger on it’s own.

So easy – look up – eyes eaten out by the horde.

No control.

1…

Listen

Listen to what he said
Hear it
The words in the tumble dryer of your mind.
Shrinking, morphing, some words lost.
Incomplete, like socks, some gone missing.
Only remember what you want to
Only the syllables that sound pretty in your novel of events.
But stop
Turn it off
What did he say?
What did he say...
Oh.
I see now.
I think.
Oh...
Turn away.
Blinking.
No longer the heroine in the epic tale you wrote for yourself.
Just one woman turning away from one man.
Human
The words fall to the bottom of your tumble dryer brain.
No longer spinning
No more heat
Fallen, real...
Noted.
Sigh deep.
Turn the words over in your hand.
Until the next time you need to go for the spin.

This is Where We Live

This is where we live.

Water pours through concrete grates and waterfalls from the cloud dappled sky.
Breezes off the winding waterways tickle sun burnt necks.

This is where we live.

Children mischievously, selfishly thrust apart the colored lines -
joyful monsters parading, cascading daringly across the streets.
Pinstriped, sea-shelled blondes suck down yellow wine under the verbose awnings -
while the sun lights up blinding, white washed quarrels -
lovers matched in melee interrupted by shaded palms.

This is where we live.

This is where I live.
Jotting down thoughts of joy for I cannot hold them in my shattered head.
Watching the little girl in the ruffled golden suit spinning wild fantasies in the fountain.
Waiting for something - someone - some time to pass.

This is where I live.

Oblivion

Dancing clouds of fantasies
Dreaming in the mist
Blue shadows bloom in the fog
A grin spreads across my aching face
Strains of music float across the empty air
Carried on breezes
Shards of rainbows
A palm opens in the nothing-ness
A caress of warm oblivion
The mind slips through cool swirls under cover
And the world of the untrue wraps me in its satin tentacles
Oh, what lovely illumination false encompasses my sight

Ghost

What if he ghosts?

I am still me.
Me is still...what?
Is my world so tied to being found in him?

I know this world
where looks are not returned.
This is a world I know well.
The door in the floor opens for me to fall through.

Swirling waters below.
Can I float if he fades?
My wings propped on popsicle sticks.

If he ghosts...

Fade into safety
Unavailable
You can't touch me
Escape time
Next door step
Next stage door

The ghost fades away.

With you

With you I shared the weight of the darkness
With you I found calm, light and hope
With you I wondered where the breeze might take us
With you...
With you I lost my faith in me
With you my face was shoved in fate's cruelty
With you the highest height slid down the deepest pit
With you...
With you I took it too far
With you I forgot myself
With you I wandered into my shuttered soul
With you...
With you...
Please let me be with you...
With you...

Hope

Oh how hope hurts
How I hate hope
Hope hangs from a hollow branch
Fear fights for its followers
Fear clings to the forevers and fucks with fate
Forget fear and find hope...
Hope hits hard
Reject hope and embrace fear
Fear flings fiercely, forcefully
And then...
Fear of hope swallows you whole

The Tale of the Foggy Fairy

Written in 2013

Once upon a time there was a beautiful fairy. He loved to dance and sing and be merry. He was friends with a toad. The toad, however, was very angry with the fairy and she cursed him. The story of how the Toad became angry with the fairy has been lost to time but suffice to say she was angry enough to use her magic against him. Some of you might not know it but toads are indeed magical. They have enough magic in them to create only one good spell in their lifetime. So imagine how angry this toad must have been to use her one bit of magic against the fairy. She puffed up and expelled her curse and the fairy was instantly turned to smoke and fog.

The fairy was very distraught. In his foggy form how could he revel and dance. His fellow fairies could no longer see him in the bright sunlight of the day nor indeed in the darkness of the night. He was forced to watch from above as they ate and drank and toasted. No fairy is ever meant to wander alone without friends and soon the foggy fairy became very grey indeed. He whisped along through the forests and over streams. He was sad and very, very lonely.

One day the fairy was sitting on a dandelion in the sunlight and sighing sadly when a cat walked up and threw his shadow over the dandelion. It was a big black cat. And it said "Oy, you, why so blue?" The dandelion looked up at the cat and wondered why it was talking to him. The fairy didn't even glance up. He had become so used to creatures looking right through him that he never thought to pay attention anymore. The cat said again "Hey, foggy, I'm talking to you?" The dandelion was getting very nervous because surely this cat was crazy. The fairy finally looked up at the cat. "There that's better, now at least you're looking at me." The fairy jumped up, he couldn't help it, someone was actually speaking to him. He said "but how can you see me, I'm just made of smoke and fog." The cat told him it wasn't so hard. Cats have very good eyesight you see.

All day the cat and the foggy fairy walked together in the sun. The fairy told the cat his whole story, he quite babbled but wouldn't you babble in his place. He spoke for what seemed like hours and the cat listened intently to the whole thing, never once seeming to be bored or uninterested. Finally the dusk began to settle in and the foggy fairy began to get sad again. "Soon it will be dark and then even with your cat eyes you will not be able to see me anymore. I will blend into the blackness." The cat thought for a moment and then said, "Stay right there, don't move one inch and I will be back."

The fairy waited for what seemed like hours. The moon rose and rose into the sky until it was quite to the other side of the horizon. The foggy fairy grew tired and wanted to leave. He was sure the cat was never coming back and even if he did, he would never be able to find the fairy in this dark. After what seemed like an age the foggy fairy heard the pad of soft feet in the grass and saw the glint of the cats eyes walking up to him in the dark.

The cat was holding something in its teeth. It was a large white wax candle. The cat pushed the bottom of the candle into the mud. 'Oh dear, well, I forgot to bring matches." The fairy was a wiz at fires though and soon with a bit of tinder and a quick fan with his smoky wings the flame of the candle was flickering merrily. The fairy began to sing a fireside song and the cat began to purr. Now, if you think toads are the only creature in the wide world to have a bit of magic to themselves then you are sadly ignorant of the workings of magic and the world. Cats have more then enough magic and this cat had grown quite fond of the fairy. As he purred and purred sparks began to gather in his whiskers. The fairy sang and sang as the sparks lept from the cats whiskers and into the smoke of the candle. Slowly the smoke began to sing with the foggy fairy and take forms. Within minutes their were half a dozen smoky fairies singing in harmony with the foggy fairy. If the toad could turn a fairy into smoke and fog then a cat most certainly could turn smoke and fog into a fairy.

Our foggy fairy jumped up and danced with his new companions. They made merry all through the night to the tune of their songs and the rhythm of the happy cats' purring. For many days and nights they played and frolicked and after many years the foggy fairies grew in number and were plentiful and quite happy. So when you wake up and there is mist covering all the land, rising playfully from the grass and the trees, you can be sure it is an especially happy bunch of the foggy fairies and if you listen closely enough you might just be able to hear them singing.

False Idol

Written in 2014

And one day

I know not when

But when my love

I wait straining for my mate, my companion

Company when

My heart rears ramshackle timbers round

Wound up in foggy forgeries

My love attaches its tense strings to dancing

Painted masks of adoration

Deserted, dry, desolate islets of maddening false

Faces distorted parading fanciful

Glutinous infatuations clinging to the underneath of my sticky eyelids

I want you –

When will you –

Where do I  –

When can I  –

Shall I see or be blinded by looking

Will the dimline fill or will I in looking lose

Find the restraint to wait
Cut the fortitude from the pallid milk film of false picture idols and like-nesses of life

And wait

Until past my spoilt heart

My joyful soul overbrim in loving true

Finding you.

Oli's Song

Written in 2012

A precious chink in an iron clad wall.
The sheen of moss green tarnish on the gilded gold plate of a rubber brick barricade.
Words, Words, Words
The wisdom of a deep blue ocean
A cynicism for the ages
The way you notice...a glance, a secret meeting, "you smell different today...different then you usually do"
I fear touching too close, I'm sure missing by a mile. Yet somewhere in between...In between the ends of the earth and the whisper of the pink flesh of her lips before a kiss. In this fairy story of your in between I want to   -    catch the twinkling tune on the breeze - the soundscape of your deepest self.
To mine for diamonds amongst sapphires.
And still I fear handing you the cement to fill back your rubber wall.
We'll look away, we'll close our eyes, we'll listen for the surprise.
~Once you surprise yourself~
Tumble into the chasm that rises to the stars.
For the beauty of the words, of the brother, of the lover, of the man.
There is a chink in an iron clad wall.

Frenetic

And sometimes the falling is the bit that you must get through.
The fall is the blind leap off a rocky edifice.
A yawning instant -
toes stretching -
yearning both down and up -
ripping from the comfortable ground.
You tense -
close your eyes against the blindness -
and get it over with.
No one speaks this language.
They say the fall happens - just so -
they say it's like exhaling -
let go, they say.
But sometimes the fall is a 'hem'ing and a 'haw'ing -
clenching fists -
flinging yourself into the open space -
a ragged punch of frenzy.
And then, once you've fallen, you can get on with it.
But even though the fall hits and hurts, terrifies and scalds -
haltingly -
stumbling -
gasping -


you fly.

DST

what is happening
what is not
whose mind am i in
who cares
be do dream breathe
nonsense
i dont understand whats going on
spitting shaking grasping fury

...

gone in a moment
shit...
my gut fills with air
my head pulses
a nightmare
screeching turning ringing

daylight savings time man
fuck off